I used to be the person who thought self-compassion and positive affirmations were cheesy. 🧀 

If I was marching toward a goal, I needed to get motivated and sometimes the best way to get motivated was me to tell myself, “HURRY UP! You’re moving too slow!”

The affirmations that were plastered all over Instagram didn’t mean much to me. How could reading these help? I just needed to take action.

It wasn’t until I heard scientific evidence about the studies comparing self-criticism and self-compassion that I started to listen.

I was doing it all wrong.

🗣️ Your Inner Critic: Fear as the motivator

We’re familiar with this voice in our head that seems to run all day long sometimes. It might sound like…

“Ugh, you got up too late again. Why can’t you just have a morning routine like everyone else? You’re so lazy.”

“You should have prepped more for that presentation. Everyone was confused the whole time.”

“You need to get back on the dating apps or you’ll never find someone.”

We might catch ourselves when we talk this way but other times, we’re unconscious of the affect it has on us.

Research says that people resist changing the way they talk to themselves because they’re afraid they’re going to lose motivation.

I was that person, too. If I don’t push myself, then I’m never going to take action, right? Wrong.  

🔍️ What the research says

There are numerous studies that back up why self-compassion isn’t just a cheesy thing we do to make ourselves feel better.

Kristen Neff, the author of Self-Compassion, found that self-compassion is associated with lower anxiety, depression, and stress while promoting higher life satisfaction.

Juliana Breines and Serena Chen at UC Berkeley found that people who practice self-compassion after failure are more motivated to improve than those who criticize themselves.

It even has an affect on our physical performance. Japanese sports psychologists found that swimmers who engaged in positive self-talk swam significantly faster than those who didn’t. 

If this is true, then how do we practice more of it?

🫂 Self-Compassion: Love as the motivator

With self-criticism we say, “I didn’t get promoted. I’m such a failure.”

With self-compassion we say, “Just because I didn’t get promoted doesn’t mean I’m a failure. What I can learn about this for next time?”

The difference is that self-compassion comes from a place of learning and curiosity while self-criticism comes from a place of fear.

Even the tone of each voice is different. One is harsh, hurried, and loud. The other one is soft, kind, and warm.

What I’ve learned as someone who was very doubtful in the beginning is that not only does self-compassion help motivate, it’s also way more enjoyable.

So the next time you catch yourself being self-critical, get curious and ask yourself:

• What is this self-critical voice saying? Is this working?

• How does this self-critical voice make you feel?

• What is this voice trying to accomplish here?

• How can you show yourself some self-compassion?

I hope you break up with your inner critic this Valentine’s Day and practice more self-compassion. 💝 

Change doesn’t happen overnight but through noticing how you’re talking to yourself, you can change your thoughts which change your actions which change your results. 🤘 

💬 Your Turn

How has your inner critic shown up? What were they telling you?

✨ Weekly Feels

• Feeling Photogenic: I went to the Saba Studios Opening Party on Friday and had fun taking some pictures with my iPhone! The space itself is so open and bright. I’d be excited to host an event there soon. Check it out if you’re looking for a photography studio in the city. 📸 

  

  Acting “natural”

• Feeling Chocolatey: I learned that too much of a good thing is possible. We ordered three chocolate desserts and I fell into a chocolate coma on Saturday, but you live and you learn. 🍫 

  

  The Chocolate Room in Cobble Hill

🌟 Upcoming Events

• [NYC] OGC Galentine’s Day Meetup | Friday, February 14
  This is an open event from one of the communities I’m part of happening on February 14. We’ll be writing love letters (to whoever you choose) 💌 and they’ll mail them after the event. RSVP here.

• [Virtual] Making the Leap From Consulting To Creative Entrepreneurship | Wednesday, February 26

  I’m hosting an interactive discussion featuring a few friends who pivoted their career from consulting at Deloitte and Accenture to wedding planning and jewelry planning. Take a look at the panelists and RSVP here.

• [NYC] Wine, Wealth, and Knowing Your Worth | Wednesday, March 12

  I’m planning my next in-person event on Equal Pay Day—casual wine night where we discuss and practice advocating for ourselves and negotiating what we’re worth. Location is TBD but please RSVP here.

📖 Keep Reading

• Welcome to 2025! Reflecting on 2024 and what's in store this year

• Greetings from The Catskills: How a mouse helped me deal with my problem of worst case scenario thinking

💼 Ways to Work With Me

• Set up some time with me to learn about 1:1 private mentoring & coaching! (2 spots left at discounted rate)